King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
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I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Oh wow. It鈥檚 so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I鈥檓 in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Just accidentally spilled my cat鈥檚 food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 馃槀
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
There鈥檚 a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
馃槈馃槤
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
When this pandemic is over, I鈥檓 going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
me: i鈥檓 so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host鈥檚 furniture is too heavy to flip
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password