When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
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I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
get you a girl who
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.