discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it