Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
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I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.