The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
We need to put an American base on the sun
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.