me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.