Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Britain be like
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
God, I love Scotland
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.