My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.