[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
prepare for carbonated trouble
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.