I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face