When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
You Might Also Like
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
excuse me
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament