him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”