I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Finished stitching this today 😇
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc