me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
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Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.