[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
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Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.