i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.