Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
You Might Also Like
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”