Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
he chose this
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
house sitting!
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.