A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
New menu item
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I love it all
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.