“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
You Might Also Like
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
But I really needed water water water
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.