Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
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Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.