‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
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The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye