had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
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Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
The 6 types of sex
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?