*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*