Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Cheers Twitter.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*