Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Super Hand Dog Face
I bet
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”