*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I can’t wait!
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.