“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
good let them take over I have had enough
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.