Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
#gardening
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
This is Sparta
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified