“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Don’t snitch tag.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.