A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My life in a nutshell
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Good news
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.