Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
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*exercises sarcastically*
multitasking lunch
Looking at you, Jesus.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”