heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.