A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
You Might Also Like
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
🤣✨#caturday
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Bed should get ready for ME
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*