HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
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Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum