#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!