I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
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Try and stop me.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign