Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
You Might Also Like
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”