4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
You Might Also Like
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed