Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
X-tra spooky blend
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”