Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
How does one answer this?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo