*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
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My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?