If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
You Might Also Like
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.