I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Sorry. Not sorry
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too