There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.