Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
How do you like your Corgi?
Is this a threat?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My favorite sport ? Lasagna