The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
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*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Reporter: *ports again*