These are my emotional support Pringles.
You Might Also Like
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Why are bridges so flammable.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]