Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Why soy sad?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?