Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
spot the difference
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
The Weeknd is back
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”